The Divorce Conversation and Beyond: 5 Tips for a Less Stressful Process~ 4 min read
1. How to Start the Conversation About Divorce.
The initial conversation about divorce can be challenging. If you and your spouse have already attended marriage counseling, schedule a few sessions with your spouse and marriage counselor to begin the initial discussion. Discussing divorce for the first time with a third-party professional may help alleviate some of the initial shock, anger, or sadness. If your spouse refuses therapy, consult with a therapist on your own and practice the conversation, especially if you think your spouse might be blindsided. If you fear for your safety during this conversation, consider having this discussion in a public place such as a coffee shop or restaurant. You can also ask friends or family to stay nearby, or even have the conversation virtually if you feel physical distance is necessary to safely have the conversation.
2. Keep Communication as Amicable as Possible.
Understandably, divorce is often a time when pent up anger, resentment, or sadness can rise to the surface and make communication difficult. People can lose sight of constructive communication techniques and end up being reactive rather than proactive. However, try to be the bigger person. Keep the name calling, snide comments and blame out of the conversation. If you feel the need to express your negative emotions, leave the nasty comments for your therapist or journal. Don’t send lengthy emails or text messages expressing your anger or frustration in writing. Remember that everything you put in writing creates a potential exhibit that can be used against you. You never want to have to explain a screenshot of your angry texts to a judge. If your spouse is amenable, talk about a plan the two of you can use to deescalate a conversation when it starts to get heated. If your spouse is combative, stay as neutral as possible.
3. Create A Conflict-Free Environment for Your Children.
Although your spouse will soon be your ex, your spouse will never be your children’s ex. Avoid discussing the divorce with them, or involving your children in marital conflict. There is no need to share the details of the divorce with your children beyond what is logistically necessary. Logistics include things like, “Daddy will be picking you up after school,” or “Mom is taking you to the dentist today,” or “this year you will be at my house for Christmas Eve and Dad’s house for Christmas Day.” Logistics do not include commentary about how Dad is always late picking the kids up from school, or how Mom disagrees with the kids going to the new dentist, or how sad it is that Christmas isn’t like it used to be. Keep arguments or tense conversations away from the children. Courts strongly disapprove of parents who cannot place their children’s well-being above their own desire to fight or make the other parent look bad. Not only do your children need a conflict-free zone in which to develop, but also you will need to show the Court that you are capable of protecting your children from harmful conflict.
4. Maintain a Sense of Normalcy for Your Children.
Children need to feel safe during this transition, so maintain a sense of normalcy by keeping daily routines consistent to the extent possible. This could include school schedules, family traditions, and regular activities that make them feel secure and grounded. However, please understand that your children will not be damaged by having parenting time with their parents in two separate homes, nor by having a parent who was not previously involved in carpooling drive them to their activities. Children are remarkably resilient. Encourage your children to express their feelings but reassure them that they are not responsible for any adult issues. Even when you have disagreements with your spouse, never disparage the other parent in front of your children. Your children should feel free to love and connect with both parents without feeling caught in the middle. If you feel your children need more support, find a therapist for them.
5. Consult With Several Family Law Attorneys.
Finding the right attorney to assist you in your divorce is crucial. If your case involves complex issues, like business ownership or a complex real estate portfolio, look for an attorney who has the relevant experience to tackle these issues. Create a list of questions to ask a potential attorney during a consultation and don’t be shy about asking clarifying questions until you fully understand something. Above all, trust your gut. Different attorneys will approach your case differently. Some attorneys are settlement-focused, some love to litigate. Either way, different approaches to your case can change how much money you spend, how much stress you feel during the process, and how well you and your spouse get along after the decree enters. Find an attorney who will outline your options, listen to you, and skillfully guide you in a manner that reflects the way you want your divorce to look.
The attorneys at Wells Family Law, PC, are available to answer your questions as you navigate this process. Contact us at (303) 309-1077 to meet with one of our attorneys to discuss your needs.